poptimists | here is something i would like to discuss, of a Friday

WHY I HATE BALLADS

I just hate them. I always have - I find them embarrassing, cringeworthy, and for the most part devoid of tune. But it's only recently, after 3 days of enforced listening to Magic FM, that I've been able to crystallise some thoughts about WHY I hate ballads. And here they are. This is not a comprehensive list by any means, and I'm sure there are exceptions to each of the points that I raise, and that at some point I'm sure I'll be accused of HAVING NO SOUL, but this is just what I came up with during my lunch break...

1) What do the following songs have in common: "How Do I Live", "How Am I Supposed To Live Without You?", "I can't liiiiiiive, if living is without yooooou"? Yep, that's right - EMOTIONAL BLACKMAIL. So you got dumped? I really don't mean to be unsympathetic, I've been there myself - I know you're feeling sh1tty about it all, and you just want to go and live in a cave on your own and shun human contact for a few months. You probably still love the other person, and you might even try to win them back by, oh I don't know, seeing if you can talk it over with them, or trying to prove that you're sorry, or even offering them COLD HARD CASH. But all this "you've dumped me so you've effectively killed me" is a) horrid, cynical emotional blackmail, b) proves that you're probably a bit of an obsessed stalker-type and will likely have the recipient of said sentiments running for the hills, and c) is just a bit over the top and embarrassing, really. In any case - JUST STOP IT. YOU ARE GOING TO SURVIVE. HAVE A CUP OF TEA. On a completely tangential note, I guess this is why pop songs about SURVIVING are so great - Destiny's Child, Gloria Gaynor, even Sir Elton who is Still Standing - all these are uplifting and life affirming, as opposed to this horrid depressing melodramatic SLOP.

2) And going back to the "if living is without yoooooooou" part of that previous paragraph, why IS it that so many ballads are sung as though the singer is trying to throw a dude against a wall with the power of his/her (though it's usually her) voice alone? CHRISTINA AGUILERA I AM LOOKING AT YOU. I'm sure the song you're singing would have more emotional resonance if you'd just HOLD BACK a bit, dear - going "hnrrrgh" and grunting like M. Seles at the start and end of every line makes it bloody exhausting to listen to you, and makes me suspect just a teeeeny little bit that this is an exercise in vocal grandstanding, rather than one in actually trying to convey any emotion. Same goes for "whooaahoaahoaahh" all over the bloody scale, for goodness sake shuttup for just a few SECONDS! And just in case you think I'm being horrid and picking on Ms A, it's not that I think her voice is bad, far far FAR from it - the version of "Mercy On Me" on

martinskidmore's Best Of 2006 CD is stop-what-you're-doing-and-OMG-listen great. And the REASON it's so great is that there's some actual control in the voice there, not just yowling as loudly as possible. Singing loudly and powerfully is fine, it just doesn't mean anything if it's only done for the sake of it. And it gives me a headache.

3) No-one, whether they're coupled-up or not, likes the spectacle of billing and cooing in public. It is just plain EMBARRASSING. If you want to make a declaration, do it the old-fashioned way with a nice private letter, maybe scented, maybe with accompanying chocs and flowers. Or ask the object of your affections if they would like to visit a cinema/restaurant/zoo/PUB with you. Or send them naughty text messages about what underwear you're wearing today (NB this last suggestion strictly for those who are already WITH the object of their affections; otherwise you are likely to look like a bit of a pervy creep). Don't put your feelings in absurd verse to an insipid tune and subject the rest of us to it.

4) Boybands. Have you ever seen such a bunch of fvcking drips in your entire life? Most of them are so weak that they can't even stand, and have to sit on stools whilst singing. One can only wonder what they'd DO with a gurl should said gurl ever respond to their heartfelt pleas to fly with them without wings, or something.

5) You CAN'T DANCE to ballads.