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poptimistsWHY I HATE BALLADS
I just hate them. I always have - I find them embarrassing, cringeworthy, and for the most part devoid of tune. But it's only recently, after 3 days of enforced listening to Magic FM, that I've been able to crystallise some thoughts about WHY I hate ballads. And here they are. This is not a comprehensive list by any means, and I'm sure there are exceptions to each of the points that I raise, and that at some point I'm sure I'll be accused of HAVING NO SOUL, but this is just what I came up with during my lunch break...
1) What do the following songs have in common: "How Do I Live", "How Am I Supposed To Live Without You?", "I can't liiiiiiive, if living is without yooooou"? Yep, that's right - EMOTIONAL BLACKMAIL. So you got dumped? I really don't mean to be unsympathetic, I've been there myself - I know you're feeling sh1tty about it all, and you just want to go and live in a cave on your own and shun human contact for a few months. You probably still love the other person, and you might even try to win them back by, oh I don't know, seeing if you can talk it over with them, or trying to prove that you're sorry, or even offering them COLD HARD CASH. But all this "you've dumped me so you've effectively killed me" is a) horrid, cynical emotional blackmail, b) proves that you're probably a bit of an obsessed stalker-type and will likely have the recipient of said sentiments running for the hills, and c) is just a bit over the top and embarrassing, really. In any case - JUST STOP IT. YOU ARE GOING TO SURVIVE. HAVE A CUP OF TEA. On a completely tangential note, I guess this is why pop songs about SURVIVING are so great - Destiny's Child, Gloria Gaynor, even Sir Elton who is Still Standing - all these are uplifting and life affirming, as opposed to this horrid depressing melodramatic SLOP.
2) And going back to the "if living is without yoooooooou" part of that previous paragraph, why IS it that so many ballads are sung as though the singer is trying to throw a dude against a wall with the power of his/her (though it's usually her) voice alone? CHRISTINA AGUILERA I AM LOOKING AT YOU. I'm sure the song you're singing would have more emotional resonance if you'd just HOLD BACK a bit, dear - going "hnrrrgh" and grunting like M. Seles at the start and end of every line makes it bloody exhausting to listen to you, and makes me suspect just a teeeeny little bit that this is an exercise in vocal grandstanding, rather than one in actually trying to convey any emotion. Same goes for "whooaahoaahoaahh" all over the bloody scale, for goodness sake shuttup for just a few SECONDS! And just in case you think I'm being horrid and picking on Ms A, it's not that I think her voice is bad, far far FAR from it - the version of "Mercy On Me" on![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
martinskidmore's Best Of 2006 CD is stop-what-you're-doing-and-OMG-listen great. And the REASON it's so great is that there's some actual control in the voice there, not just yowling as loudly as possible. Singing loudly and powerfully is fine, it just doesn't mean anything if it's only done for the sake of it. And it gives me a headache.
3) No-one, whether they're coupled-up or not, likes the spectacle of billing and cooing in public. It is just plain EMBARRASSING. If you want to make a declaration, do it the old-fashioned way with a nice private letter, maybe scented, maybe with accompanying chocs and flowers. Or ask the object of your affections if they would like to visit a cinema/restaurant/zoo/PUB with you. Or send them naughty text messages about what underwear you're wearing today (NB this last suggestion strictly for those who are already WITH the object of their affections; otherwise you are likely to look like a bit of a pervy creep). Don't put your feelings in absurd verse to an insipid tune and subject the rest of us to it.
4) Boybands. Have you ever seen such a bunch of fvcking drips in your entire life? Most of them are so weak that they can't even stand, and have to sit on stools whilst singing. One can only wonder what they'd DO with a gurl should said gurl ever respond to their heartfelt pleas to fly with them without wings, or something.
5) You CAN'T DANCE to ballads.
I just hate them. I always have - I find them embarrassing, cringeworthy, and for the most part devoid of tune. But it's only recently, after 3 days of enforced listening to Magic FM, that I've been able to crystallise some thoughts about WHY I hate ballads. And here they are. This is not a comprehensive list by any means, and I'm sure there are exceptions to each of the points that I raise, and that at some point I'm sure I'll be accused of HAVING NO SOUL, but this is just what I came up with during my lunch break...
1) What do the following songs have in common: "How Do I Live", "How Am I Supposed To Live Without You?", "I can't liiiiiiive, if living is without yooooou"? Yep, that's right - EMOTIONAL BLACKMAIL. So you got dumped? I really don't mean to be unsympathetic, I've been there myself - I know you're feeling sh1tty about it all, and you just want to go and live in a cave on your own and shun human contact for a few months. You probably still love the other person, and you might even try to win them back by, oh I don't know, seeing if you can talk it over with them, or trying to prove that you're sorry, or even offering them COLD HARD CASH. But all this "you've dumped me so you've effectively killed me" is a) horrid, cynical emotional blackmail, b) proves that you're probably a bit of an obsessed stalker-type and will likely have the recipient of said sentiments running for the hills, and c) is just a bit over the top and embarrassing, really. In any case - JUST STOP IT. YOU ARE GOING TO SURVIVE. HAVE A CUP OF TEA. On a completely tangential note, I guess this is why pop songs about SURVIVING are so great - Destiny's Child, Gloria Gaynor, even Sir Elton who is Still Standing - all these are uplifting and life affirming, as opposed to this horrid depressing melodramatic SLOP.
2) And going back to the "if living is without yoooooooou" part of that previous paragraph, why IS it that so many ballads are sung as though the singer is trying to throw a dude against a wall with the power of his/her (though it's usually her) voice alone? CHRISTINA AGUILERA I AM LOOKING AT YOU. I'm sure the song you're singing would have more emotional resonance if you'd just HOLD BACK a bit, dear - going "hnrrrgh" and grunting like M. Seles at the start and end of every line makes it bloody exhausting to listen to you, and makes me suspect just a teeeeny little bit that this is an exercise in vocal grandstanding, rather than one in actually trying to convey any emotion. Same goes for "whooaahoaahoaahh" all over the bloody scale, for goodness sake shuttup for just a few SECONDS! And just in case you think I'm being horrid and picking on Ms A, it's not that I think her voice is bad, far far FAR from it - the version of "Mercy On Me" on
martinskidmore's Best Of 2006 CD is stop-what-you're-doing-and-OMG-listen great. And the REASON it's so great is that there's some actual control in the voice there, not just yowling as loudly as possible. Singing loudly and powerfully is fine, it just doesn't mean anything if it's only done for the sake of it. And it gives me a headache. 3) No-one, whether they're coupled-up or not, likes the spectacle of billing and cooing in public. It is just plain EMBARRASSING. If you want to make a declaration, do it the old-fashioned way with a nice private letter, maybe scented, maybe with accompanying chocs and flowers. Or ask the object of your affections if they would like to visit a cinema/restaurant/zoo/PUB with you. Or send them naughty text messages about what underwear you're wearing today (NB this last suggestion strictly for those who are already WITH the object of their affections; otherwise you are likely to look like a bit of a pervy creep). Don't put your feelings in absurd verse to an insipid tune and subject the rest of us to it.
4) Boybands. Have you ever seen such a bunch of fvcking drips in your entire life? Most of them are so weak that they can't even stand, and have to sit on stools whilst singing. One can only wonder what they'd DO with a gurl should said gurl ever respond to their heartfelt pleas to fly with them without wings, or something.
5) You CAN'T DANCE to ballads.
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no subject
Date: 2007-02-02 03:15 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-02-02 03:17 pm (UTC)Excellent post!
Date: 2007-02-02 03:19 pm (UTC)But the worst sort of ballad is the DUET. Nelly and Kelly this means YOU.
Back to yr points: (taking Mariah's Without You as our example) I WUV this song because her vocal is totally over the top and has no control JUST LIKE HER HEART. So I disagree with point 2) as yodelling yr emotions is endearing to me, but I can see how other people might find it tiresome. As for points 1) & 3), I am sure noone wants to hear about Sisqo's thongs either but it still makes for an good song. I find subject matter secondary in importance to CHOONE and GUSTO.
(Five years ago I would have rated 'Without You' as one of the worst songs ever but now I am OLDER and indeed WISER and have realised you CAN dance to it but sadly only in your MIND)
DUET DUEL
Date: 2007-02-02 03:22 pm (UTC)Tonight I Celebrate Mein Love For You VS Dilemma!
FITE
no subject
Date: 2007-02-02 03:26 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-02-02 03:27 pm (UTC)I agree with point 4.
Re: Excellent post!
Date: 2007-02-02 03:29 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-02-02 03:30 pm (UTC)(I can't link to vids at work, but is the Justin song Cry Me A River? As that was one ballad I was thinking of that you could at least bop a little too)
no subject
Date: 2007-02-02 03:33 pm (UTC)This has funny ballads on! (Well, ones that make me smile anyway). As well as V SERIOUS ones too of course.
no subject
Date: 2007-02-02 03:33 pm (UTC)I exclude Backstreet Boys from boyband-disapproval, 'Show Me The Meaning Of Being Lonely' is one of the greatest ballads ever :D
Re: DUET DUEL
Date: 2007-02-02 03:34 pm (UTC)Great Boyband Ballads
Date: 2007-02-02 03:37 pm (UTC)Backstreet Boys - Shape Of My Heart
East 17 - Stay Another Day
Take That - A Million Love Songs
Wham - Last Christmas (also Careless Whisp and A Different Corner, the latter of which has v.indie lyrics)
Five - Closer To You
OK Westlife have never done a good one, but they have given stoolpop a BAD NAME.
yes
Date: 2007-02-02 03:39 pm (UTC)Mushy like peas
Date: 2007-02-02 03:40 pm (UTC)Same with yr 80s sleaze-ballad (e.g. Mooooove Closer, Sechsual Healing, Lady In Red). How can they sing that and keep a straight face?
no subject
Date: 2007-02-02 03:42 pm (UTC)It is also possible to have an emotional response to the music of a heartache ballad without even paying any attention to the words. I have a story to tell re "Without You", but I am saving it for when Tom gets to the Nilsson song on Popular. ;)
Re: Great Boyband Ballads
Date: 2007-02-02 03:43 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-02-02 03:43 pm (UTC)Re: DUET DUEL
Date: 2007-02-02 03:46 pm (UTC)IKHSW aside, are male/female duets usually better than single-sechs duets?
no subject
Date: 2007-02-02 03:46 pm (UTC)I think Madonna's 'Crazy For You' is my favourite ballad at the mo.
My heart is numb has no feeling
Date: 2007-02-02 03:48 pm (UTC)Re: DUET DUEL
Date: 2007-02-02 03:49 pm (UTC)Re: Excellent post!
Date: 2007-02-02 03:51 pm (UTC)OMG! Long awaited PROOF that Mariah is one of SPACEMEN 3!!!
no subject
Date: 2007-02-02 03:54 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-02-02 03:56 pm (UTC)Bah I am ruining my reputation as Cynical Internet Ballad-hating Hardwoman :(
no subject
Date: 2007-02-02 04:03 pm (UTC)But, then I refer to proper power-ballads - like Carrie by Europe, or Every Rose Has It's Thorn, or the Ballad of Jayne, or Miles Away by Winger or some Journey song or another.
Power metal ballads = the greatest form of music ever created by humankind. Just slightly better than battle metal.
peace,
jel
no subject
Date: 2007-02-02 04:06 pm (UTC)jel
Re: yes
Date: 2007-02-02 04:10 pm (UTC)My line on ballads is much the same as my line on acoustic singer-songwriting - fine in principle, incredibly hard to do well, very easy to do badly. When they're done well (both examples above) they're fantastic.
Re: yes
Date: 2007-02-02 04:15 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-02-02 04:21 pm (UTC)It is just plain EMBARRASSING.
JUST STOP IT. YOU ARE GOING TO SURVIVE. HAVE A CUP OF TEA.
Are you saying that ballads are essentially un-British?
Anyway, I hate ballads with all the R&B trilling, but there are good ones with choons. And "Crazy" is a grate ballad.
And Marna would tell you that a ballad is a song or pome telling the story of something/someone anyway, not just a slow tempo
stomachheart churner.no subject
Date: 2007-02-02 04:34 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-02-02 04:57 pm (UTC)Also, I am aware of original meaning of the word "ballad"! And I think that ballads should have STAYED that way etc etc ;)
no subject
Date: 2007-02-02 05:11 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-02-03 08:41 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-02-03 08:42 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-02-03 09:12 pm (UTC)sisters were so fair,
Five of us were brave knights' wives,
and died in childbed lair.
Up then spake Fair Mary,
marry woud she nane;
If ever she came in man's bed,
the same gate wad she gang.
'Make no vows, Fair Mary,
for fear they broken be;
Here's been the Knight of Wallington,
asking good will of thee.'
'If here's been the knight, mother,
asking good will of me,
Within three quarters of a year
you may come bury me.'
[Continues for another 29 verses. She dies in the end.]
no subject
Date: 2007-02-03 11:11 pm (UTC)Re: yes
Date: 2007-02-04 07:10 am (UTC)