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poptimistsIf music be the food of love....is a CD a pie?
If you're thinking of snuggling up to a special person tonight then you will need an appropriate soundtrack. No, not Cat Power. Pop songwriters have turned to the topic of WUV for countless years so you'd think they'd have written some good songs about it by now. But which CD should you choose for the soundtrack to those 'beautiful moments'? LET'S SEE.
My science method: type "love" into the popular music bit of amazon.co.uk, examine bestselling compilations. Look at first track - on the basis that we decide if a mate is suitable within 3 picoseconds of meeting them (or something). Look at best and worst track. Look at most apallingly inappropriate track. ASSESS.
Acoustic Love
Theme: Tasteful picking for 50 Quid Bloke and his drippy belle.
First Track: James Blunt - "You're Beautiful" - apalling tale of tube STALKER sets awful tone.
Best Track: Tim Buckley - "Song For The Siren" - otherworldly space croon somewhat at odds with Powter, Rice et al. It's towards the end of disc 2 though so 'Acoustic Love' will either have worked or not by then.
Worst Track: The thought of a Muse love song fills me with complete ph34r.
Howlingly Inappropriate: Whether it's about druqks or NOT, Lou Reed's raddled croak on "Perfect Day (Live)" is surely the stained mustard y-fronts in this love equation.
R&B Love Songs 2006
Theme: Solid compilation sacrifices love for top pop quality.
First Track: Pussycat Dolls - "Stuck Wit U" - could be worse though there's a lot better stuff here. Is actually a love song though.
Best Track: A lot to choose from but Amerie's "1 Thing" actually sounds like giddy can't-believe-it's-happening infatuation.
Worst Track: "Don't Phunk With My Heart", ouch.
Howlingly Inappropriate: Here's the problem with R&B Love Songs. "Ugly" is about self-empowerment, "Gone Til November" is a smooth talking desertion ballad, but the prize has to go to Timbo's none-more-cruel "Cry Me A River".
Capital Gold Best Of Love Legends
Theme: Big romantic hitters put together with scant regard for genre.
First Track: John Lennon - "Woman" - atrocious misstep, nasal Beatle John getting soggy over Yoko.
Best Track: Very mixed bag this but you can't argue with Al Green's sappy plea to be loved.
Worst Track: Katie Melua, "Nine Million Bicycles", inexcusable in any context.
Howlingly Inappropriate: It's a magnificent song but "It Started With A Kiss" features the most pathetic self-abasing narrator in all of pop, "YOU DON'T REMEMBER ME DO YOU??".
Ultimate Tearjerkers
Theme: Dumped people need pop too.
First Track: James Blunt - "Goodbye, My Lover" - a lucky escape for her, but not for us.
Best Track: Lorraine Ellison - "Stay With Me Baby" - love armageddon, though god knows what it would be like to listen to in a break-up.
Worst Track: Daniel Powter - "Bad Day" - if this chirpy fool consoles you then you probably deserved it.
Howlingly Inappropriate: Surely "A Change Is Gonna Come" is about the civil rights movement, not the possibility of finally getting an shag?
The Love Songs Album
Theme: Wide-ranging to the point of total diffusion, a love comp for the kind of people who give valentines to everyone in their office. Powter AGAIN.
First Track: Girls Aloud - "See The Day" - sorry, still don't like it but at least it's not James B.
Best Track: ABC - "The Look Of Love" - Martin, one day you'll find true love!!
Worst Track: It's Melua again, but for variety's sake let's say Jamie Cullum giving "Everlasting Love" a greasy fondle.
Howlingly Inappropriate: "I Have A Dream" is, again, an anthem for the unity of humankind not for fumbling on the sofa - and it features a children's choir for goodness' sakes.
Steve Wright's All New Sunday Love Songs
Theme: National 'treasure' and creator of Mr Fish Filleter plays Cupid for YOU.
First Track: You're Beautiful again - O NOES.
Best Track: The Four Tops - "Reach Out I'll Be There", to make up for me not giving it a 10 on Popular.
Worst Track: The all-too-usual suspects, plus Moody Blues, "Nights In White Satin"
Howlingly Inappropriate: ABBA's "The Day Before You Came" may technically be a love song but it's also steeped in absolute dread. One of the best singles of all time, but extremely creepy.
By this point the listings are filling up with My Chemical Romance albums (plus I need to get back to work) so we'll call it a day - what can we conclude? Mostly that love albums are generated by flinging a bunch of completely disparate stuff together and hoping bits of it stick. Also that there's no real idea as to whether the songs on such an album should be sad love songs, or happy love songs, or both - but who would require both? And finally, who actually buys these things? Not a lot of people, looking at sales rankings for all bar Acoustic Love, but the labels keep flinging them out anyway. Oh well.
And hey - happy V-Day everyone!
If you're thinking of snuggling up to a special person tonight then you will need an appropriate soundtrack. No, not Cat Power. Pop songwriters have turned to the topic of WUV for countless years so you'd think they'd have written some good songs about it by now. But which CD should you choose for the soundtrack to those 'beautiful moments'? LET'S SEE.
My science method: type "love" into the popular music bit of amazon.co.uk, examine bestselling compilations. Look at first track - on the basis that we decide if a mate is suitable within 3 picoseconds of meeting them (or something). Look at best and worst track. Look at most apallingly inappropriate track. ASSESS.
Acoustic Love
Theme: Tasteful picking for 50 Quid Bloke and his drippy belle.
First Track: James Blunt - "You're Beautiful" - apalling tale of tube STALKER sets awful tone.
Best Track: Tim Buckley - "Song For The Siren" - otherworldly space croon somewhat at odds with Powter, Rice et al. It's towards the end of disc 2 though so 'Acoustic Love' will either have worked or not by then.
Worst Track: The thought of a Muse love song fills me with complete ph34r.
Howlingly Inappropriate: Whether it's about druqks or NOT, Lou Reed's raddled croak on "Perfect Day (Live)" is surely the stained mustard y-fronts in this love equation.
R&B Love Songs 2006
Theme: Solid compilation sacrifices love for top pop quality.
First Track: Pussycat Dolls - "Stuck Wit U" - could be worse though there's a lot better stuff here. Is actually a love song though.
Best Track: A lot to choose from but Amerie's "1 Thing" actually sounds like giddy can't-believe-it's-happening infatuation.
Worst Track: "Don't Phunk With My Heart", ouch.
Howlingly Inappropriate: Here's the problem with R&B Love Songs. "Ugly" is about self-empowerment, "Gone Til November" is a smooth talking desertion ballad, but the prize has to go to Timbo's none-more-cruel "Cry Me A River".
Capital Gold Best Of Love Legends
Theme: Big romantic hitters put together with scant regard for genre.
First Track: John Lennon - "Woman" - atrocious misstep, nasal Beatle John getting soggy over Yoko.
Best Track: Very mixed bag this but you can't argue with Al Green's sappy plea to be loved.
Worst Track: Katie Melua, "Nine Million Bicycles", inexcusable in any context.
Howlingly Inappropriate: It's a magnificent song but "It Started With A Kiss" features the most pathetic self-abasing narrator in all of pop, "YOU DON'T REMEMBER ME DO YOU??".
Ultimate Tearjerkers
Theme: Dumped people need pop too.
First Track: James Blunt - "Goodbye, My Lover" - a lucky escape for her, but not for us.
Best Track: Lorraine Ellison - "Stay With Me Baby" - love armageddon, though god knows what it would be like to listen to in a break-up.
Worst Track: Daniel Powter - "Bad Day" - if this chirpy fool consoles you then you probably deserved it.
Howlingly Inappropriate: Surely "A Change Is Gonna Come" is about the civil rights movement, not the possibility of finally getting an shag?
The Love Songs Album
Theme: Wide-ranging to the point of total diffusion, a love comp for the kind of people who give valentines to everyone in their office. Powter AGAIN.
First Track: Girls Aloud - "See The Day" - sorry, still don't like it but at least it's not James B.
Best Track: ABC - "The Look Of Love" - Martin, one day you'll find true love!!
Worst Track: It's Melua again, but for variety's sake let's say Jamie Cullum giving "Everlasting Love" a greasy fondle.
Howlingly Inappropriate: "I Have A Dream" is, again, an anthem for the unity of humankind not for fumbling on the sofa - and it features a children's choir for goodness' sakes.
Steve Wright's All New Sunday Love Songs
Theme: National 'treasure' and creator of Mr Fish Filleter plays Cupid for YOU.
First Track: You're Beautiful again - O NOES.
Best Track: The Four Tops - "Reach Out I'll Be There", to make up for me not giving it a 10 on Popular.
Worst Track: The all-too-usual suspects, plus Moody Blues, "Nights In White Satin"
Howlingly Inappropriate: ABBA's "The Day Before You Came" may technically be a love song but it's also steeped in absolute dread. One of the best singles of all time, but extremely creepy.
By this point the listings are filling up with My Chemical Romance albums (plus I need to get back to work) so we'll call it a day - what can we conclude? Mostly that love albums are generated by flinging a bunch of completely disparate stuff together and hoping bits of it stick. Also that there's no real idea as to whether the songs on such an album should be sad love songs, or happy love songs, or both - but who would require both? And finally, who actually buys these things? Not a lot of people, looking at sales rankings for all bar Acoustic Love, but the labels keep flinging them out anyway. Oh well.
And hey - happy V-Day everyone!
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