MYSTERIES OF POP - Part 1

[katstevens.livejournal.com]

The first of a new series where Kat dons her deerstalker and sets to solving the unexplained phenomena from the pop archives. This week...

Where Is Lisa Stansfield's Baby?

This tragic case has remained unsolved for almost seventeen years, leaving Ms Stansfield "oh oh so sad" and "a-crying". The whereabouts of Rochdale's premier popstar's offspring have never been discovered, despite Lisa scouring every corner of the globe with the aid of Willy Fogg and his cat butler Rigadon (the leading experts in global circumnavigation at the time).

The circumstances surrounding the disappearance were intially deemed suspicious - Ms Stansfield's method of annoucing the kidnapping being highly unorthodox, choosing the medium of song rather than the standard police press conference. Also, the melodic statement itself was of questionable accuracy: in the recording Ms Stansfield repeatedly claims that she "don't know why he's gone away", yet in the second verse she mentions that "he gave the reason, the reasons he should go". These reasons have never been made public, but it now seems likely that the infant in question would have been too young to enter into a reliable dialogue with his mother, hence this contradiction was discounted and Ms Stansfield cleared of any suspected foul play.

The case has recently been re-opened in light of new evidence: in 1997 talented girl-band All Saints claimed to "know where it's at" without making specific reference to the nature of "it". However after a thorough analysis of their entire lyrical output, the high occurence of the word "baby" in the same song (no less than seven repetitions) gave the authorities reason to believe that the girls were in possession of vital information, with particular reference to their urgent closing statement "if you know that you wanna get down there". Could the Stansfield child be hidden in a secret underground lair? This theory was given greater weight after known criminal Jay Kay From Jamiroquai mysteriously went "deeper underground" the following year, perhaps to search for the child.
Fortunately, All Saints have now emerged from hiding and appear willing to aid the investigation; however after appearing in ill-fated sequel Journey To The Centre Of The Earth Willy Fogg and Rigadon are unsurprisingly reluctant to join the subterranean search party.

Have you seen Lisa Stansfield's baby? Remember the child will be in his late teens by now, and may have adopted a different identity. Police have made public the following approximated photo-fit to aid the search. You may receive a reward.

Comments

Postscript

[katstevens.livejournal.com]

Ms Stansfield has recently joined the Betty Boo support group for mothers who have misplaced their children.

[the-roofdog.livejournal.com]

Upper Ramsbottom.

[katstevens.livejournal.com]

Is that near Rochdale?

[jauntyalan.livejournal.com]

tanya will be after yr blud :-)

...

anyway, in further news, in 1999 a 22 year old matching the description was found walking the streets of Melbourne. Cheyne Coates, of pop combo Madison Avenue, vigorously denied that she was in any way connected with Ms Stansfield. "I'm not your baby" she was reported to claim, "You know I don't belong to you, It's time you knew I'm not your baby" she further clarified.

Re: Postscript

[the-roofdog.livejournal.com]

Pato Banton is also an active member (even worse - he has also lost 'im colour TV)

[the-roofdog.livejournal.com]

Yes.

Re: Postscript

[katstevens.livejournal.com]

I believe that at the weekly meetings, Bob Marley CDs are given out along with tea and biscuits.

Re: Postscript

[carsmilesteve.livejournal.com]

and a bag a s3ns3i.

[katstevens.livejournal.com]

Hahah has she already done pop mysteries?

She's bluffing

[celentari.livejournal.com]

Stansfield is herself hiding her baby from the press, because it has freaky eyes and a toupee like mop of black hair. She will reveal it any day now in a strangely surreal 26 page photoshoot in Vanity Fair.

[jauntyalan.livejournal.com]

i meant in the more general wringing funny out of pop, line of things :-D

[freakytigger.livejournal.com]

Unfortunately baby-snatching crime is not new to pop and the clear-up rate is poor. The Temptations have been looking for theirs since the 1960s, reporting that "good things are bad and what's happy is sad" since they lost their baby. "I'm inclined ta find her" said a Temptations spokesman, keeping hope alive after all this time.

Some might say that leaving a baby in charge of five blokes who are always on tour is foolhardy in the first place, particularly if they live in a Psychedelic Shack. Fathers 4 Justice were unavailable for comment.

build your world around that baby

[the-roofdog.livejournal.com]

Well they all ignored the Foundations' warning.

[awesomewells.livejournal.com]

Lisa Stansfield's baby was actually ABDUCTED by Belinda Carlisle who was seen hawking it to random passers by, asking "ooh, baby, do you know what that's worth?"

[jauntyalan.livejournal.com]

was she not actually asking the infant to assess the monetary value of various items?

Re: Postscript

[catsgomiaow.livejournal.com]

The last I heard, Boo had abandoned this cause - as a result, she was muc criticised by Teh Press. She was cited as saying "I used up all my tissues, cos there's more serious of issues". The remaining members of the Betty Boo support Group were left to ponder EXACTLY WHAT could be more serious than a missing child. Boo has yet to explain her comments.

(er sorry for late reply, I was at work til 7 BOO)