[identity profile] katstevens.livejournal.com
Could it be Magic?
Barry in happier timesThe other day Barry Manilow ran into my Pop Investigatory office, pleading for help. "Could it be magic?" he cried, begging me to find evidence to back up his belief that certain pop stars have been DABBLING IN THE DARK ARTS! Before his death Freddie Mercury had gone on record clearly describing a penchant for a type of amateur conjuring, but Barry suspected something more sinister was afoot. In cahoots with fellow sorcerers Steve Miller and De La Soul, Manilow believed that Mercury was involved in the ritual offering of a virgin to appease Satan, perhaps in a bid to aid record sales. Suspicion was further aroused by regular bonfires being held in Brian May's sizeable back garden - a fact dismissed by the accused parties, who forced their puppet spokesman Elton John to declare that each incident was "no sacrifice". However a witness known only as "Mrs Ritchie" later confessed that the flaming effigies atop these fires did indeed resemble virgins.

Further investigation on my part led me to a reformed practicioner, Perry Como. Finally able to speak freely in after a long battle with Quality Street addiction, Como confirmed the existence of a secret underground network, where pop stars would regularly meet to dabbling in the occult. "The Halloween hop, when everyone came, in funny disguises..." The clandestine nature of this organisation made my research difficult, but the list of suspects is steadily growing. Can you help poor Barry unearth these heathens before Screamin' Jay Hawkins puts a spell on him?
[identity profile] katstevens.livejournal.com
Attack Of The Clones

After literally days of intense research into the murky underworld of pop, another conundrum has surfaced!

Your correspondent has reason to believe that for some time now, none other than recent [livejournal.com profile] poptimists canon star Lionel Richie has been a major player in the seedy world of human cloning. Every supervillain slips up at some point; Richie's error was to release the 1978 ballad publicly describing his declaration of evil intent, Three Times A Lady.

The first suspected occurrence of such nefarious activity was just a few months later, when Chaka Khan approached Richie asking for his professional opinion. Khan, having recently parted ways with funk outfit Rufus, was determined to make an impact with her new single I'm Every Woman and innocently asked Richie if he knew of any suitable backing singers. Richie agreed to help out but instead hypnotised the singer and stole her DNA, telling Khan that Whitney Houston and Whitney's mum Cissy had provided the backing vocals. However video evidence shows the contrary - there are no less than FIVE independent Chakas belting out the disco classic. Whilst Khan may not have been every woman, she had more than her fair share of the populace.

Richie's experimentation during the eighties appeared to have taken a turn for the egocentric. Instead of cloning others, in 1984 Richie attempted to create replica of himself. Luckily for us, a worldwide clay famine meant that his blind henchwoman had only enough material for one head. Rumours concerning Richie's "secret lair" under Mount Lishan abounded at the time but were never proved.

Kevin (or is it Tony?) from Liberty Kiss being FORCED TO CLONE HIMSELFRichie kept a low profile until 2003 when suddenly, Liberty X multiplied exponentially upon releasing newfangled mash-up Being Nobody. Although the group was not overtly linked with Richie, the Chaka Khan connection was too much of a coincidence to be dismissed. Further investigation that year revealed multiple Justin Timberlakes in the Rock Your Body video. Where will Lionel's madness end? The authorities are desperate for further clues to track him down once and for all - can you help?

Do you have any pop mysteries for Detective Kat to try and solve? Email katstevens@livejournal.com...
[identity profile] katstevens.livejournal.com
The first of a new series where Kat dons her deerstalker and sets to solving the unexplained phenomena from the pop archives. This week...

Where Is Lisa Stansfield's Baby?

This tragic case has remained unsolved for almost seventeen years, leaving Ms Stansfield "oh oh so sad" and "a-crying". The whereabouts of Rochdale's premier popstar's offspring have never been discovered, despite Lisa scouring every corner of the globe with the aid of Willy Fogg and his cat butler Rigadon (the leading experts in global circumnavigation at the time).

Ms Stansfield looking distraught after the events of 1989The circumstances surrounding the disappearance were intially deemed suspicious - Ms Stansfield's method of annoucing the kidnapping being highly unorthodox, choosing the medium of song rather than the standard police press conference. Also, the melodic statement itself was of questionable accuracy: in the recording Ms Stansfield repeatedly claims that she "don't know why he's gone away", yet in the second verse she mentions that "he gave the reason, the reasons he should go". These reasons have never been made public, but it now seems likely that the infant in question would have been too young to enter into a reliable dialogue with his mother, hence this contradiction was discounted and Ms Stansfield cleared of any suspected foul play.

The case has recently been re-opened in light of new evidence: in 1997 talented girl-band All Saints claimed to "know where it's at" without making specific reference to the nature of "it". However after a thorough analysis of their entire lyrical output, the high occurence of the word "baby" in the same song (no less than seven repetitions) gave the authorities reason to believe that the girls were in possession of vital information, with particular reference to their urgent closing statement "if you know that you wanna get down there". Could the Stansfield child be hidden in a secret underground lair? This theory was given greater weight after known criminal Jay Kay From Jamiroquai mysteriously went "deeper underground" the following year, perhaps to search for the child.
Fortunately, All Saints have now emerged from hiding and appear willing to aid the investigation; however after appearing in ill-fated sequel Journey To The Centre Of The Earth Willy Fogg and Rigadon are unsurprisingly reluctant to join the subterranean search party.

Have you seen Lisa Stansfield's baby? Remember the child will be in his late teens by now, and may have adopted a different identity. Police have made public the following approximated photo-fit to aid the search. You may receive a reward.

December 2014

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